Archive for the ‘feelings’ Category

Winter Solstice 2009

And so, once again we are faced with a winter solstice. Who could’ve guessed a year ago that this would be where everything would be now? Well, to be fair, in the world at large nothing much has really happened. Most things that sucked in 2008 still sucks, and most awesome things are still awesome. Google grows ever more big-brotherish, people keep losing interest in Microsoft, Apple is the only company ever to successfully combine a hippie attitude with fascistic leadership and control, and so on.

I guess one difference is that SAAB won’t be around any longer. As a Swede and SAAB fan, this is sad. But I can’t seriously say I’m surprised. They haven’t turned a profit for years, and closing the factory down is the only sane thing to do at this point. Let the brand die with some dignity intact. I do feel for the workers in Trollhättan though. It’s not a fun Christmas for them…

Anyway, 2009 has in many ways been playing on the line “That’s one small step for mankind, one giant leap for Toby!”. This has, as I’ve been more than alluding to for a while, been one of the thorniest years I’ve ever known. The personal tragedies have reached an all time high in my life, and all I can hope for is that it will start to numb off after a year of being alone. That’s what all the books, therapists and doctors say, anyway. I wish I knew. Right now I want nothing more than to not be alone, especially during the holidays. But at the same time, I don’t think I would do any girl any justice at the moment. I still hurt too much.

I still ask myself how I could let one person hurt me so. And the answer is simply, I let her into my heart. I’ve never done that before her. Sure, friends and so on, but no matter how good a friend, there are always places they can’t go, where a lover can. Not just physically, but in every way! I just hope I can repair the damage enough to dare let some one new in.

At the beginning of this whole debacle, I almost admired my then wife for actually daring to do it. In my state of numbness that was all I could do. It’s like when I had to people who were very important to me die within two days of each other, and at the funerals all I could think was that the guitar playing was squeaking, and I almost burst out laughing at it. Emotional overload. As I still loved my wife, I thought, hoped that we could still be friends, and that maybe one day she’d see the error of her way and come back. Foolish, I know.

Instead all sorts of shit happened. To not go into slander, let’s suffice to say that she calls it an honest mistake, I call it being devious, two-timing and backstabbing. I have more or less broken all ties with her, and my therapist, my doctor and some of my friends are adamant that I keep to that. And I intend to. I’ve seen her on her own, and her and the man she, according to me at any rate, left me for. It leaves me cold, tear-stained and unable to think clearly for a week or more. So, no, that will not be something I will take up again.

My main problem with that is that we are Goddess-parents to a little girl. Both I and my ex knew the mother before we met so I believe we both feel obligated to be there. I will be there for the girl, but I will not attend her first birthday party, because my ex-wife will be there, and for all I know the person I for legal reasons will reefer to as her boyfriend. Don’t know how that will work-out in the long run, but for now it doesn’t matter all that much. She turns one in February.

Anyway, 2009 was crap. And I even thought it would be a great year. Shows you how much I know… Well, at least 2010 can’t really get any worse? That’s something, isn’t it?

So, since it is the Winter Solstice, Yule, I have this to say:

I hail thee, Goddess of the land,

I hail thee, the newborn God,

I hail thee, oh holy trinity of Earth, Moon and Sun,

You will rise again, I will rise again,

We will not be beaten down like grain,

Like Spring, we will rise from the ashes, stronger and more powerful than ever before,

The world shall look on in awe, as the power of the God grows, as the splendour of the Goddess becomes apparent,

And I will bathe in your glory, as will all things that are good and true!

All Hail the Universe, All Hail the Goddess, All Hail the newborn God!



Self confidence

Self confidence. Some people have it, some seem to not even know what it means. Where does it come from? I, personally, should be fairly self confident. My parents are, I’ve been brought up to believe in my self, and it has had some effect. I have a great sense of self worth! I do not find my self worthless or unimportant. BUT, when it comes to confidence, I just can’t seem to get it right.

This is most evident in relation to relationships, and how to engage in romantic ones. And I of course realize that this is stupid, but when ever I am faced with the issue, I crumble. I have no problem addressing high-flyers at the University, but faced with a woman I am interested in, and I don’t seem to have any guts at all. It’a a tragic thing.

I would seem I am not alone in this. A literary reference (or I could be wrong and this is a quote from the movie) would be for instance Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, where Ron bemoans the fact that Harry stoutly fights dragons, but just can’t muster the courage to ask a girl to the Yule Ball.

Why do females intimidate us men so much. We are supposed to be capable of fighting, hunting and be heroic in general (I mean, let’s face it, genetically the purpose of men are to shag for babies and fight each other…). But, faced with a woman we have feelings for, and even the strongest man shrink at sight. Why is this? Is it some sort of a mother complex, are we really so weak?

In my own case I’ve also started to see a pattern concerning my friends. Many of them, both men and women, have, independently of each other, told me I am a rather strapping young man and definitely a bit of a catch. Why is this so hard to take in? Why is the positive stuff so much harder to listen to than the bad. And the bad is just in my head! The more I think about this the less it makes sense. Whoever came up with the preposterous idea that humans are, on the whole, rational beings didn’t really observe humans, now did they? We are emotionally driven creatures, with abnormally large brains.

At the end of the day, it may be a very simple solution that is required. And that is to channel the genetic courage from millennia of surviving (after all, we are the best based on darwinian principles) tigers, wolfs and fleas. What the world needs now, is love, sweet love, and a gargantuan portion of courage!


My eternal curse

My dear readers, Halloween is drawing nearer and  this time I therefor want to tell you about a curse. A curse that has afflicted me since I was very young. I can’t remember exactly when I was cursed, but I was.

I have always had a lot of female friends. I have male friends as well, but I think a quick head count quickly show that I am one of “the girls”. And this is where the curse stems from. I have been labeled NICE! This is the gravest accusation that can taint a guy’s life, and potentially ruin it forever. At least in so far as any romantic involvements goes.

You might think being nice is a good thing, and in many ways it is. I don’t want to hurt people, nail kittens to walls, shoot people or terrorize women. You know bad-boy stuff. But, bad boys do get all the fun when it comes to girls too. A girlfriend of mine, as in a friend who is also a girl, once tried to dispute my point. She stopped after I pointed out that she has had two long term relationships during the time we’ve known each other, both, she had to agree, were bad boys. At least when she met them.

I’ve entered into friendships by accident from time to time, because, well, I really wanted something else. But somehow I ended up a GOOD FRIEND; or worse, a NICE guy. It’s death for a young man like me. Instant zombiefactor! Is this at all avoidable? Again, I don’t want to become a jerk. And I don’t mean to stereotype here, but I will, many women seem to prefer idiot men who treat them in dubious ways. Why the F is that?

What I want tips about from you, dear reader, is this: How do you avoid the “nice” label, without treating women and others badly?



It is time for me to bare my heart for a moment. Other people chose do that in a diary, but on the other hand they talk this stuff over with friends. And that is something I am not yet ready to do. Also I’d like to add a disclaimer, no I don’t think I’m anonymous on the net. I think I am one of the most easily tracked down people I know. It’s just, being disembodied helps me be more me, in a way.

Love is a strange thing. When you have it, you are often not sure if it’s true, and the you lose it, and at once you realize just how much you were in love. That was me, about six months ago. I don’t think I realized how much I actually loved my wife, until she went away. Now? I don’t know. I still feel a pang of pain when I see her, but I would under oath tell you, that is not the person I married. I can’t put my finger on what or why, but there is something about her I do not recognize. Would I want her back? Put it like this, right now I feel like if I never saw her again, that would be one week too soon…

These days I have another form for problem. What to do when love strikes again. Now, I have always had an easy time getting infatuated with women. I think I may be harder pressed to fall in love, as it were. One reason for the latter is that I am shy, and have low self-esteem (though a good sense of self-worth, these are not the same thing). I have never really had the guts to tell a girl that I might be interested in her. Why you ask. I don’t really know actually. On the one hand, that is. The reason the old me, the one still inhabiting part of my mind, would give, is that they would laugh at me, humiliate me, be disgusted or that I would ruin a good friendship. Because that adds to the complexity of the problem, I tend to get infatuated by women I know. I don’t have to know them well, but I rarely fall for strangers.

I look around and I see people with much more of a weight problem than I have, finding plenty of girlfriends/boyfriends. Why shouldn’t I be able to get “my share” so to speak? The truth, of course is, that when you don’t tell said girl what you feel, how the hell would she know. Which in turn, turns this in to an excellent Catch 22. (Probably not quite right, but you get my drift…) I mean, even as I write this my heart is pounding in my chest, and I feel faint. The mere thought of telling a woman, and yes as may have guessed there is a special someone I am thinking about, makes me feel queasy.

It’s a sad state of affairs, and I really do not know what to do about it. Should I tell her, and risk all that, or leave it be and just hope that she is happy, while potentially remaining single and unhappy myself?

Question – Do I think you need to be a couple to be happy? Well, no. But I am more and more sure I do. I think that is very personal, and I work best in a duo.

If she ever were to read this, though I don’t think she even has an inkling as to my feelings for her, I guess what I would like to tell you goes something like this:

I think you are amazing. You make a room brighter by your mere presence. You make my heart smile, and I drown in your mysterious eyes. I am by no means sure what it is I am feeling for you, I just know that my heart aces when I’m not near you. Would you consider going to the movies with me, and maybe to a restaurant some time. Just for a date. I would be the happiest man on earth if you said yes. Then we could spend some time trying to find out what my feelings are, and if they are mutual.

I think I may be in love with you, would you be interested in finding out together?