Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category

Internet Dateing

There you have it: I’m perusing internet dating sites. I feel everything that’s happen to me is done. Am I over it? Who knows, but I’m done fawning over someone who hates me. It’s just not healthy!

But I have to say the world of internet dating is a weird one! Oh, I know it works, I know several middle-aged couples having met that way (though, worryingly, not a one my age…). But it’s not really that, even if it’s taken several months to even get one response. No, it’s this keeping several connections in the air at once. Yes I know I may be old-fashioned, but I prefer to concentrate on the one woman. Here, I need to keep the conversation going with several. Question is, when do you stop entertaining more than one? Sure, many girls, what woes… But still, I don’t want to be seen as an evil playboy here.

And what’s more, how on earth do you decide this girl is the right one, rather than that other one? Feeling? I don’t know! With normal dating you only work the one track till that materializes or fizzle out. What if you have two, or more, perfect women? Afterall, polyamory isn’t that common. And anyway, while I like the idea of more than one girl in bed as much as the next man, I’ve long since decided it’s a better fantasy than reality. I’m neurotic enough about pleasing the one…

Another thing you notice with these sites, is that they tend to be very form-based. “I like this”, “I don’t like this” – therefore you match this chick. Also, weight and measures (though few have bust size or length of penis… but some do). I know all this comes into play in real dating aswell, but here it’s so open. I mean, I’m not against this part, it just feels very unusual with a bunch of men and women knowing exactly what the others weigh, how tall they are, what they like etc.

So I think internet dating is potentially both fun and weird at the same time. And so far I don’t really have to worry about the multiple-women issue too much, but it feels strange all the same. But hopefully those woes will come along. What then?

Have you tried this type of dating? What did you think? Tips, ideas or comments are very welcome!

// Tobias

God Jul

Merry Christmas – Happy Channucka – God Jul – Merry Yule – Merry Saturnalia – Happy Winter Solstice

Tobias

Winter Solstice 2009

And so, once again we are faced with a winter solstice. Who could’ve guessed a year ago that this would be where everything would be now? Well, to be fair, in the world at large nothing much has really happened. Most things that sucked in 2008 still sucks, and most awesome things are still awesome. Google grows ever more big-brotherish, people keep losing interest in Microsoft, Apple is the only company ever to successfully combine a hippie attitude with fascistic leadership and control, and so on.

I guess one difference is that SAAB won’t be around any longer. As a Swede and SAAB fan, this is sad. But I can’t seriously say I’m surprised. They haven’t turned a profit for years, and closing the factory down is the only sane thing to do at this point. Let the brand die with some dignity intact. I do feel for the workers in Trollhättan though. It’s not a fun Christmas for them…

Anyway, 2009 has in many ways been playing on the line “That’s one small step for mankind, one giant leap for Toby!”. This has, as I’ve been more than alluding to for a while, been one of the thorniest years I’ve ever known. The personal tragedies have reached an all time high in my life, and all I can hope for is that it will start to numb off after a year of being alone. That’s what all the books, therapists and doctors say, anyway. I wish I knew. Right now I want nothing more than to not be alone, especially during the holidays. But at the same time, I don’t think I would do any girl any justice at the moment. I still hurt too much.

I still ask myself how I could let one person hurt me so. And the answer is simply, I let her into my heart. I’ve never done that before her. Sure, friends and so on, but no matter how good a friend, there are always places they can’t go, where a lover can. Not just physically, but in every way! I just hope I can repair the damage enough to dare let some one new in.

At the beginning of this whole debacle, I almost admired my then wife for actually daring to do it. In my state of numbness that was all I could do. It’s like when I had to people who were very important to me die within two days of each other, and at the funerals all I could think was that the guitar playing was squeaking, and I almost burst out laughing at it. Emotional overload. As I still loved my wife, I thought, hoped that we could still be friends, and that maybe one day she’d see the error of her way and come back. Foolish, I know.

Instead all sorts of shit happened. To not go into slander, let’s suffice to say that she calls it an honest mistake, I call it being devious, two-timing and backstabbing. I have more or less broken all ties with her, and my therapist, my doctor and some of my friends are adamant that I keep to that. And I intend to. I’ve seen her on her own, and her and the man she, according to me at any rate, left me for. It leaves me cold, tear-stained and unable to think clearly for a week or more. So, no, that will not be something I will take up again.

My main problem with that is that we are Goddess-parents to a little girl. Both I and my ex knew the mother before we met so I believe we both feel obligated to be there. I will be there for the girl, but I will not attend her first birthday party, because my ex-wife will be there, and for all I know the person I for legal reasons will reefer to as her boyfriend. Don’t know how that will work-out in the long run, but for now it doesn’t matter all that much. She turns one in February.

Anyway, 2009 was crap. And I even thought it would be a great year. Shows you how much I know… Well, at least 2010 can’t really get any worse? That’s something, isn’t it?

So, since it is the Winter Solstice, Yule, I have this to say:

I hail thee, Goddess of the land,

I hail thee, the newborn God,

I hail thee, oh holy trinity of Earth, Moon and Sun,

You will rise again, I will rise again,

We will not be beaten down like grain,

Like Spring, we will rise from the ashes, stronger and more powerful than ever before,

The world shall look on in awe, as the power of the God grows, as the splendour of the Goddess becomes apparent,

And I will bathe in your glory, as will all things that are good and true!

All Hail the Universe, All Hail the Goddess, All Hail the newborn God!

Tobias

Trailer Trash…

A while back we were asked by a lecturer to write the cover text for our own biographies. Needless to say, that excercise turned out to be pretty pointless in the end. But it did give me an idea. Why not try to write the trailer for my life? It should be fun, right? Let’s have a try:

 

- Black screen opening with Chuck Riley type voice
saying -

 

In a land, pestered with mediocrity

- When the word mediocrity is said, it zooms into view
on-screen, to then zoom past after a short pause -

 

“Where political correctness and polite violence are everyday horrors”

- Fast clips showing political correctness and polite
violence -

 

“One man rose from the ashes of a broken home”

- Flashes of an eye, a lock of hair and a belt; all from a
panning close-up camera -

 

“He dared to be a geek”

- Camera going back, man flashing backlit and only visible
as a dark figure, standing with hands on hips. In flashes
logos such as Apple, Twitter, Facebook, Palm, Wikipedia,
Firefox and Google are visible in the shadowy fog surrounding
the outlined body -

 

“He became the friend of women”

- Camera continues backwards -

 

“He could handle irony”

- Close-up of mouth, one side going up in wry smile -

 

“He is…”

- Screen dark -

 

“…The Nice Guy!”

- Text zooming onto screen, then exploding away -

 

Coming October 22, 2010. Check at your local theatre or at Fandango.com. Rated R!

- Said text showing small on the screen -
- End -

 

Do you think this has any potential?

Tobias

PS If you don’t know the name Chuck Riley, have a listen to this clip from VoiceHunter.com, and you’ll know…

Halloween!

I feel a little like Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter right now. I’m sitting here thinking about death. Yes, dear readers, it’s that time again; Halloween.

I just had a small, informal ceremony by the fire under the oak. I prayed a little, I thought a lot, gazed at the moon, remembering the dead. I even had my wedding rings out, to try to say goodby to that life. It is time to move on. It will be tough, it will be hard. But I want to find someone new, and I need to let my old life go. I think today was a step in the right direction.

Another thing I did, was thinking about my previous lives. I am a believer in reincarnation, though I can’t claim to know how it works. I do believe one of my recent lives was that of a lowly soldier, in either the French or British army. I think I died during the Great War, and I think I bled to death from a shot in either my chest or my stomach. Why do I believe this? Because I’ve done some self-hypnosis, some meditation etc. on the topic, and this is one of the lives I’ve found. I can remember what it felt like to bleed to death. Does that make it true? No, it could be a false memory of course, but to me it was an extremely vivid experience. I can’t really explain it as such, but please feel free to ask about it! Some day I hope to do a “real” regression, and see if I can find out more.

This was just a short musing over death and Halloween. I hope you enjoy it, if you have anything you want to ask about this samhain thing, or have anything you want to tell me about what you think or feel about death, Halloween etc. please, I love to discuss it!

Happy Halloween to everyone!

Tobias

Self confidence

Self confidence. Some people have it, some seem to not even know what it means. Where does it come from? I, personally, should be fairly self confident. My parents are, I’ve been brought up to believe in my self, and it has had some effect. I have a great sense of self worth! I do not find my self worthless or unimportant. BUT, when it comes to confidence, I just can’t seem to get it right.

This is most evident in relation to relationships, and how to engage in romantic ones. And I of course realize that this is stupid, but when ever I am faced with the issue, I crumble. I have no problem addressing high-flyers at the University, but faced with a woman I am interested in, and I don’t seem to have any guts at all. It’a a tragic thing.

I would seem I am not alone in this. A literary reference (or I could be wrong and this is a quote from the movie) would be for instance Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, where Ron bemoans the fact that Harry stoutly fights dragons, but just can’t muster the courage to ask a girl to the Yule Ball.

Why do females intimidate us men so much. We are supposed to be capable of fighting, hunting and be heroic in general (I mean, let’s face it, genetically the purpose of men are to shag for babies and fight each other…). But, faced with a woman we have feelings for, and even the strongest man shrink at sight. Why is this? Is it some sort of a mother complex, are we really so weak?

In my own case I’ve also started to see a pattern concerning my friends. Many of them, both men and women, have, independently of each other, told me I am a rather strapping young man and definitely a bit of a catch. Why is this so hard to take in? Why is the positive stuff so much harder to listen to than the bad. And the bad is just in my head! The more I think about this the less it makes sense. Whoever came up with the preposterous idea that humans are, on the whole, rational beings didn’t really observe humans, now did they? We are emotionally driven creatures, with abnormally large brains.

At the end of the day, it may be a very simple solution that is required. And that is to channel the genetic courage from millennia of surviving (after all, we are the best based on darwinian principles) tigers, wolfs and fleas. What the world needs now, is love, sweet love, and a gargantuan portion of courage!

Thobias

My eternal curse

My dear readers, Halloween is drawing nearer and  this time I therefor want to tell you about a curse. A curse that has afflicted me since I was very young. I can’t remember exactly when I was cursed, but I was.

I have always had a lot of female friends. I have male friends as well, but I think a quick head count quickly show that I am one of “the girls”. And this is where the curse stems from. I have been labeled NICE! This is the gravest accusation that can taint a guy’s life, and potentially ruin it forever. At least in so far as any romantic involvements goes.

You might think being nice is a good thing, and in many ways it is. I don’t want to hurt people, nail kittens to walls, shoot people or terrorize women. You know bad-boy stuff. But, bad boys do get all the fun when it comes to girls too. A girlfriend of mine, as in a friend who is also a girl, once tried to dispute my point. She stopped after I pointed out that she has had two long term relationships during the time we’ve known each other, both, she had to agree, were bad boys. At least when she met them.

I’ve entered into friendships by accident from time to time, because, well, I really wanted something else. But somehow I ended up a GOOD FRIEND; or worse, a NICE guy. It’s death for a young man like me. Instant zombiefactor! Is this at all avoidable? Again, I don’t want to become a jerk. And I don’t mean to stereotype here, but I will, many women seem to prefer idiot men who treat them in dubious ways. Why the F is that?

What I want tips about from you, dear reader, is this: How do you avoid the “nice” label, without treating women and others badly?

Thobias