Archive for October, 2009

Halloween!

I feel a little like Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter right now. I’m sitting here thinking about death. Yes, dear readers, it’s that time again; Halloween.

I just had a small, informal ceremony by the fire under the oak. I prayed a little, I thought a lot, gazed at the moon, remembering the dead. I even had my wedding rings out, to try to say goodby to that life. It is time to move on. It will be tough, it will be hard. But I want to find someone new, and I need to let my old life go. I think today was a step in the right direction.

Another thing I did, was thinking about my previous lives. I am a believer in reincarnation, though I can’t claim to know how it works. I do believe one of my recent lives was that of a lowly soldier, in either the French or British army. I think I died during the Great War, and I think I bled to death from a shot in either my chest or my stomach. Why do I believe this? Because I’ve done some self-hypnosis, some meditation etc. on the topic, and this is one of the lives I’ve found. I can remember what it felt like to bleed to death. Does that make it true? No, it could be a false memory of course, but to me it was an extremely vivid experience. I can’t really explain it as such, but please feel free to ask about it! Some day I hope to do a “real” regression, and see if I can find out more.

This was just a short musing over death and Halloween. I hope you enjoy it, if you have anything you want to ask about this samhain thing, or have anything you want to tell me about what you think or feel about death, Halloween etc. please, I love to discuss it!

Happy Halloween to everyone!

Tobias

Self confidence

Self confidence. Some people have it, some seem to not even know what it means. Where does it come from? I, personally, should be fairly self confident. My parents are, I’ve been brought up to believe in my self, and it has had some effect. I have a great sense of self worth! I do not find my self worthless or unimportant. BUT, when it comes to confidence, I just can’t seem to get it right.

This is most evident in relation to relationships, and how to engage in romantic ones. And I of course realize that this is stupid, but when ever I am faced with the issue, I crumble. I have no problem addressing high-flyers at the University, but faced with a woman I am interested in, and I don’t seem to have any guts at all. It’a a tragic thing.

I would seem I am not alone in this. A literary reference (or I could be wrong and this is a quote from the movie) would be for instance Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, where Ron bemoans the fact that Harry stoutly fights dragons, but just can’t muster the courage to ask a girl to the Yule Ball.

Why do females intimidate us men so much. We are supposed to be capable of fighting, hunting and be heroic in general (I mean, let’s face it, genetically the purpose of men are to shag for babies and fight each other…). But, faced with a woman we have feelings for, and even the strongest man shrink at sight. Why is this? Is it some sort of a mother complex, are we really so weak?

In my own case I’ve also started to see a pattern concerning my friends. Many of them, both men and women, have, independently of each other, told me I am a rather strapping young man and definitely a bit of a catch. Why is this so hard to take in? Why is the positive stuff so much harder to listen to than the bad. And the bad is just in my head! The more I think about this the less it makes sense. Whoever came up with the preposterous idea that humans are, on the whole, rational beings didn’t really observe humans, now did they? We are emotionally driven creatures, with abnormally large brains.

At the end of the day, it may be a very simple solution that is required. And that is to channel the genetic courage from millennia of surviving (after all, we are the best based on darwinian principles) tigers, wolfs and fleas. What the world needs now, is love, sweet love, and a gargantuan portion of courage!

Thobias

My eternal curse

My dear readers, Halloween is drawing nearer and  this time I therefor want to tell you about a curse. A curse that has afflicted me since I was very young. I can’t remember exactly when I was cursed, but I was.

I have always had a lot of female friends. I have male friends as well, but I think a quick head count quickly show that I am one of “the girls”. And this is where the curse stems from. I have been labeled NICE! This is the gravest accusation that can taint a guy’s life, and potentially ruin it forever. At least in so far as any romantic involvements goes.

You might think being nice is a good thing, and in many ways it is. I don’t want to hurt people, nail kittens to walls, shoot people or terrorize women. You know bad-boy stuff. But, bad boys do get all the fun when it comes to girls too. A girlfriend of mine, as in a friend who is also a girl, once tried to dispute my point. She stopped after I pointed out that she has had two long term relationships during the time we’ve known each other, both, she had to agree, were bad boys. At least when she met them.

I’ve entered into friendships by accident from time to time, because, well, I really wanted something else. But somehow I ended up a GOOD FRIEND; or worse, a NICE guy. It’s death for a young man like me. Instant zombiefactor! Is this at all avoidable? Again, I don’t want to become a jerk. And I don’t mean to stereotype here, but I will, many women seem to prefer idiot men who treat them in dubious ways. Why the F is that?

What I want tips about from you, dear reader, is this: How do you avoid the “nice” label, without treating women and others badly?

Thobias

Love…

It is time for me to bare my heart for a moment. Other people chose do that in a diary, but on the other hand they talk this stuff over with friends. And that is something I am not yet ready to do. Also I’d like to add a disclaimer, no I don’t think I’m anonymous on the net. I think I am one of the most easily tracked down people I know. It’s just, being disembodied helps me be more me, in a way.

Love is a strange thing. When you have it, you are often not sure if it’s true, and the you lose it, and at once you realize just how much you were in love. That was me, about six months ago. I don’t think I realized how much I actually loved my wife, until she went away. Now? I don’t know. I still feel a pang of pain when I see her, but I would under oath tell you, that is not the person I married. I can’t put my finger on what or why, but there is something about her I do not recognize. Would I want her back? Put it like this, right now I feel like if I never saw her again, that would be one week too soon…

These days I have another form for problem. What to do when love strikes again. Now, I have always had an easy time getting infatuated with women. I think I may be harder pressed to fall in love, as it were. One reason for the latter is that I am shy, and have low self-esteem (though a good sense of self-worth, these are not the same thing). I have never really had the guts to tell a girl that I might be interested in her. Why you ask. I don’t really know actually. On the one hand, that is. The reason the old me, the one still inhabiting part of my mind, would give, is that they would laugh at me, humiliate me, be disgusted or that I would ruin a good friendship. Because that adds to the complexity of the problem, I tend to get infatuated by women I know. I don’t have to know them well, but I rarely fall for strangers.

I look around and I see people with much more of a weight problem than I have, finding plenty of girlfriends/boyfriends. Why shouldn’t I be able to get “my share” so to speak? The truth, of course is, that when you don’t tell said girl what you feel, how the hell would she know. Which in turn, turns this in to an excellent Catch 22. (Probably not quite right, but you get my drift…) I mean, even as I write this my heart is pounding in my chest, and I feel faint. The mere thought of telling a woman, and yes as may have guessed there is a special someone I am thinking about, makes me feel queasy.

It’s a sad state of affairs, and I really do not know what to do about it. Should I tell her, and risk all that, or leave it be and just hope that she is happy, while potentially remaining single and unhappy myself?

Question – Do I think you need to be a couple to be happy? Well, no. But I am more and more sure I do. I think that is very personal, and I work best in a duo.

If she ever were to read this, though I don’t think she even has an inkling as to my feelings for her, I guess what I would like to tell you goes something like this:


I think you are amazing. You make a room brighter by your mere presence. You make my heart smile, and I drown in your mysterious eyes. I am by no means sure what it is I am feeling for you, I just know that my heart aces when I’m not near you. Would you consider going to the movies with me, and maybe to a restaurant some time. Just for a date. I would be the happiest man on earth if you said yes. Then we could spend some time trying to find out what my feelings are, and if they are mutual.

I think I may be in love with you, would you be interested in finding out together?

Thobias

Obama and the Peace Prize

So the Peace Prize has been awarded yet another US president. This time it is Barack Obama, 44th president. It seems it was a long time since this award was quite so debated. Is it right, is it wrong. Should someone “more deserving” have gotten the prize instead? I’ve even heard rumored that Twitter may have been considered. From what I’ve understood, most of the nay sayers would have prefered to have Prime Minister of Zimbabwe Morgan Tsvangirai as winner.

Now, I’m not trying to say that Prime Minister Tsvangirai wouldn’t have been a deserving winner, and I do agree that President Obama is perhaps not ideal. Afterall, his is a country currently engaged in war in two countries and he is pro death penalty.

But, and I think is the point the Norwegian Nobel Committee have wanted to get across, this is not a prize given just for what is achieved to date. It is also given as a means to put pressure on politicians, organizations etc. And by giving this to what may be one of the, at least outside the US, most popular and dynamic US president in years, the committee effectively rubs America the right way.

And with the wars, I urge people to remember this. They may have been started for dubious reasons, but we, the international community, can’t just let the Iraqis go now. Nor the Afghans. We need to make sure we leave those countries as stable as possible, so that they won’t just collapse and pave the way for even more hardship. And to the point concerning death penalty, this is a tricky one. But I believe this is an issue we will have to battle over time with the US. In the EU we do not allow the death penalty, and we have plenty nations on our side. The way to handle this issue is not to attack Barack Obama. Where he comes from, it is not an illegal action, and we can do exactly nothing to make it illegal except through diplomacy and through the UN. My point is, in the context of this prize, I am not sure his views on the death penalty is a valid argument, precisely because it is an internal US affair and the committee have, in their nomination, pointed to President Obama’s international efforts. That said, he should now be very encouraged to have the federal government start working against the death penalty. Although I have a feeling, it will be just as hard to get them to do that as it is to start to see sense concerning gun control.

So, in conclusion of this my little approval of Obama, I have to say I was as surprised as the next person at his winning. But I think it will empower him to make more of an effort with nuclear disarmament, ending the wars and reestablish the US as an international ally. It may even make effect US internal policies, like death penalty laws. Like it or not, we need the US. We need it in Europe, we need it in the UN we need it in the world. That’s not to say we can accept any kind of behaviour, and that’s precisely why it’s a good idea to promote anything resembling a proper policy administration in the White House.

It was a surprise to Obama, who said, “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been honored by this prize”, continuing, “But I also know that this prize reflects the kind of world that those men and women and all Americans want to build, a world that gives life to the promise of our founding documents.” – Wikipedia 2009-10-11

Thobias